喧闹中寂寞

兵欲善其事，必先利其器。两年了，我终于花了点心思安装了稍微好一点的拼音输入法，几乎热泪盈眶。觉得不写点什么对不住新安装的输入法。

来德国刚好一个月，本来想天天写日记，结果拖到今天开始写第一篇相关的博客。读书的城市法兰克福非常小，被我称为现代化一点的小村庄。麻雀虽小，五脏俱全。吃喝玩乐倒是一点不少，我除了最近开始抱怨化妆品太贵之外，整体都还比较满意。

住在梅因河畔，晨跑最惬意，看着河水，心情就很平静。当年住在东河畔似乎只沿河跑过一两次，不知道为什么。房间不小，虽然不复在东河畔的奢华，却简单舒适，只有从办公室门口摘下的“名牌”轻轻的靠在君子兰盆边，时不时提醒我曾经在纽约的繁华如梦。

学校，老师和同学都出乎意料的好，每天上课都很开心，尤其学习的经济和金融方面的知识和方法当时就能跟曾经做过的事情联系起来，当年一知半解甚至一窍不通，现在竟然开始慢慢窥到一点门道。每天开始更起劲的读经济新闻，尤其课本还讲解如何看华尔街日报有关利息，债券之类信息的版面，更觉得眼界一新。同学也都非常好，聪明勤奋，友好幽默，间或被打击一下偶尔过于强大的自信心，于是更有动力好好学习。

今天一整天在家预习，读书，学德语，看新闻，收拾屋子，忙忙碌碌很快就到睡觉时间。突然觉得自己正身体力行简单的快乐。

09/05/09

Out of a whim and determination to do something new, I arrived Palm Springs, California, around noon alone for a four day desert vacation.  From the sight of the plane, it’s mountains with only rocks and no trees.  However, all of a sudden, a city out of nowhere emerged with trees, houses etc.  What a marvelous undertaking people have done to this desert! 

First stop is Hotel SPA& Casino, where a nice SPA lunch was served, with a one hour mineral bath to follow, from sauna, steam room, aromatic room to merge myself into the natural hot spring water, let the whole body relax in the water.  On top of this, a 50 min massage was given with lavender oil.  Feeling content, I was going to head to my hotel, Miramonte Resort.  While I was a bit disappointed by the expensive cab fee, the doorman informed me of a bus line that takes me to my hotel.  Thrilled by the information, I walked in the city built in the desert, wondering where the bus stop is.  I may only have taken buses a couple of times during my five year stay in New York.  After half an hour when finally sitting on the bus, I felt so proud of myself – traveling alone and riding a one-and-a-half hour bus to the hotel (I might be one of the few first time visitors who did this – I was never brave enough to try before).

Miramonte resort is located at the famous Indian Wells, at which a tennis tournament is held every March.  This is also the only place where you can see springs on the street surrounded by desert.  The resort does not meet my expectation but still nice.  All I need now is just some quiet reading time, with some wonderful SPA services and occasional dipping into the pool!  Maybe I will also ride a bicycle around the neighborhood.  It has been more than ten years since I last rode a bicycle and broke me arm!  Yeah, I did not normally use brakes back then…  Is that why I still can’t drive a car?  A correlation?

昨天看书,提及一个心理实验,说人如果睡在床上不动,想做什么按个按钮即可,几天之后便会情绪低落需要好几个月才能恢复. 如果每天重复做相同的事情,一段时间之后也容易产生活着为什么的疲倦感.

总说现代社会我们拥有更多的自由, 想去世界的任何角落都并非没有可能, 想做各种挑战极限的事情也都很方便,只是,绝大多数的我们, 真正的利用了这样的自由吗? 有多少时候因为家庭因为工作, 我们驻留在一个城市,过着重复的生活, 没有去想, 生活其实可以不一样.

不喜欢独自旅游, 总觉得自己旅游没有意思, 很麻烦. 来美国这么些年,偶尔看着自己的护照惭愧, 除了唯一一次去加拿大办签证,我竟然除了中国和美国之外,没有去过任何其它的国家. 在美国国内的旅游也都是跟朋友们一起去, 几乎没有独自出行过-除了独自来美国.

最近开始慢慢改变和调整自己, 一周前临时起意去加州泡温泉,现在独自坐在去Palm Springs的飞机上, 读书思考, 几个小时后下飞机就去泡温泉, 想着以前为什么从来没有这么出来度假过.

在力所能及的范围内,希望能尽可能的活得自在,随心所欲.

A few lines I like:

what you are doing to yourself is only half of the equation, who you are with when you are doing that is the other half.

Love this part:

Father to daughter – you  always seem to have everything figured out since you were a kid, great grades, job, etc. however something is missing.  But this, quit your job, leave the families you have, and fly 3000 miles to a place you have never been to? --- that's the most kick-ass thing you ever did!!!

On a typical Saturday afternoon, I was wondering what to do to kill time, which is in my mind always too precious to kill.  The movie “Milk” caught my eye.

Milk is among one of the first open gays running for public officer and assassinated.  I never understood homosexual but have nothing against homosexuals.  But when I see Milk met Scott on the street and both just ran away for love, how San Francisco police brutally treat gays, and how they strive and fight to survive and speak out for their rights, I was deeply touched.  It felt real, it’s a life worth living.  It takes real courage, determination and perseverance.  It made all my current feelings and dilemmas trivial.  Man should do what made them feel real.  That’s their mission.

Among all the hesitation and fears, deep down, I know I made the right decision and will never regret - it's destiny.

看完<500 Days of Summer>, 跟好友在Bryant Park吹吹风, 看看免费大屏幕电影, 聊聊人生, 分外惬意.

电影讲的是一个男孩爱上一个女孩, 女孩也喜欢上男孩, 500天相处和相识的日子交错呈现在观众面前, 在甜蜜相处与分手后的痛苦相对比中, 影片将一个简单却真实的故事娓娓道来. 最后女孩离开了男孩结婚了, 男孩拾回放弃多年的建筑师梦想. 女孩说, 在她碰到她现在的丈夫之后才知道与男孩之间缺少了什么, 也许是那份愿与对方一生一世一双人的确定吧.

艺术对人类最大的魅力从来不是说教,而是从情感上潜移默化, 给人全新的感受, 让躁动的心平静, 让枯萎的灵魂生机勃勃, 让平凡的生活绚烂多彩. 虽然不知道明天会怎么样, 现在的自己似乎知道自己想要什么, 也愿意为此付出必须的代价.虽然一切皆有风险, 但谋事在人, 成事在天, 但求问心无愧.

Bryant Park是我最喜欢的公园之一, 在时代广场附近, 不大, 与纽约公立图书馆比邻而居, 稀松的桌椅随意的摆在草坪周围, 有的地方还有小孩的书供阅读, 最近新添了一些沙发, 边上的喷泉也为公园凭添一分清凉. 曾在旋转木马上与好友感受童年的回忆. 今晚坐在公园里, 任微风拂面, 任性的想把一切刻在脑海里, 成为永久的回忆.

这个周末本来打算自己在家无事悲秋的,结果阴差阳错的度过了很艺术的两天.

周六跟好友游泳桑拿吃我做的蛋糕之后, 高高兴兴跟Canny一起去听偶钢琴老师(多年没有练习,惭愧啊…)谱曲的演奏会. 演奏的曲子都是打击乐,非一般人能欣赏. 但因为声音响亮,要睡着也不容易. 别的不提,偶钢琴老师的乐曲真很有意思,夹杂着京剧和旧时类似收音机里的音乐 (“郎啊,你我俩是一条心”), 各种打击乐器此起彼伏,我忍俊不禁…  感叹文化的力量,小时候听的,经历的,直接影响人最深层次的感情.

今天下午无意的参观了一个裸体绘画课… (某甲:真的是无意还是???) 在East Village附近的一条只卖啤酒的街上, 一个不起眼的酒吧里,一个裸体模特在台上,摆出随意坐在地上的姿势, 下面五六个人,聚精会神的绘画, 我也一本正经拿着纸笔图鸭,最后看着自己画的笑个不停, 虽然自己没有绘画天分,幽默细胞还是有一点…. 其实我都有点不好意思盯着人家看…… 不过其他人都很严肃认真,让我汗颜……

虽然是个俗人, 不过外行人凑凑热闹也给艺术家们捧场嘛. 冬去春来,要好好出门溜哒才不辜负好时光…过两个星期去个艺术与音乐结合的音乐会,会后有香槟和巧克力招待…… 纽约最大的魅力之一也许就在于此--- 随处的随心所欲和艺术气息.

 常倒头就睡,难有失眠夜. 也许今日曾决心写作却未能如愿,故凌晨月下独酌,耳边又响起南唐后主李煜的虞美人,倒应了他相见欢的一句别是一般滋味在心头, 来美多年,即使酒醉,也能英文脱口而出, 只是今日不知为何, 吟诵唐诗宋词, 体味古文一字一句的韵意, 仿佛闻到故土芬芳, 往事历历在心头, 反而近日之事已远. 又仿佛, 灵魂飘在东河上空,俯视微醺的自己, 叹曰, 游子,你可曾在灯红酒绿中迷失, 可还记得孩时的纯真, 儿时的梦想?

有人说, 也许结束的时候会想起怎么开始的. 也许在我们在犹豫前路何方时会想起上一次自己如何毫不犹豫的选择现在的路,有没有后悔过.

今日再读西方哲学史,读到十九世纪浪漫主义运动, 读到情感(sensibility)如何成为哲学思潮的中心, 读到运动中的主导人物如何追求强烈的情感, 比如爱情,尤其未遂之爱,如仇恨,嫉妒等等…… 想起自己竟然受浪漫主义运动的影响如此之深. 只是已经这么多年,自己又能改变写什么,又如何评价自己曾经所做的决定呢? 无论何种人生哲学,总要有一种坚持下去罢?

Carrie says to Miranda in the movie of Sex and the City, it is time to listen to your feelings not logic.  Miranda responds, this is the problem, because I do not know how I feel.  Carrie says, you will know how you feel at some special moment.  And I am waiting for that special moment.

"Care" is probably one of the most simple words we have ever learned, yet it might be one of the most precious personalities you could hope from others, or a lot of the times yourself.

I have heard enough of "What's the big deal?"  And too many have complained that why he or she did not care about this or that.  We all know how important care is to personal life, one would never even befriend with someone who simply does not care about you (your enemies care - maybe not your well being).  Care also plays a vital part in professional setting.  I always give the paralegal I work with best reviews and praise her whenever possible.  Not that she does not make mistakes, but she cares.  Whatever assignments or tasks I give her, she would sometimes care more than I do - she would be upset if things do not get done.  With that kind of personality, she makes every effort to achieve goals and that is exactly the point.  I can't remember how many times I was frustrated by people who were tasked to do things and weren't sharing the urgency and stress that I had.  How frustrating it is if you have to watch each step and everything another is doing to make sure it's done right?!

We are living in a very tough and stressful world (this means more today than even one year ago).  How much more relieved one would feel if someone else, either from a superior or an inferior, cares about what you care and know that you are not alone?  For example, I would feel less stressed out on a deal if I know someone else cares as much as I do and if I miss something, others will pick up.

Care then comes to the core of management - how to motivate people to care is simply the most important skill one needs to learn (there are people who just do not care whatever you do).  One common practice is to give people ownership of the tasks.  Most of the time it works.   Give people the credit that they deserve also works.  However, it's another journey to harmonize giving ownership and supervision.  I am no master of any of this, but I care so I learn :-)

Obama's signature slogan is "Yes, we can!"  I prefer "Yes, we CARE!"

美国人有个爱用的词, 就是social (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social), 通常是说人长袖善舞,社交场合如鱼得水. 蛮羡慕那些跟陌生人能谈笑风生的, 自己每次都要心理斗争n次, 下无数次决心才能出门参加聚会,多数情况下出门的冲动就被懒惰因子扼杀在摇篮里了. 今年跟自己说,不能再找借口了,反正有聚会就参加,碰到有意思的人就算赚了,不然就算找有聊之人打发无聊的时间吧. 今天就讲讲自己最近努力social的心得...

上周五参加美国人的house party, 环视一周, 觉得美国人其实也蛮内向, 只跟自己认识的人聊天, 看不出来有多social. 正站着无聊, 某帅哥走过来自我介绍(这一点我一直觉得很神奇 - 美国人总能很自然的互相认识), 莫名其妙的就谈起他的工作---原来是催眠专业人士(汗!) 这下算是见识到美国人的social, 非常有激情的滔滔不绝,我愣是不记得他说了什么,不过我们这一群人突然就变成整个聚会最热闹的...据说有个女生是聚会主人给他安排的blind date, 结果根据偶的地下调查---人家被雷到了---假装不认识他.... 后来一起打桌球,偶连进三球,心满意足...哈哈哈哈...

周二参加写作培训,一屋子同事,在又一番内心天人交战之后, 偶竟然成为唯一一个主动配合老师作了小小临场presentation, 还是急中生智讲的与税法有关的发展(初生牛犊不怕虎), 偶当年在吉大的风范犹存啊!

昨天参加纽约律师协会wine tasting (还是自己跟自己别扭了半天,最后一分钟报名), 场地在时代华纳中心, 进门自己就在那后悔为什么一个人参加活动, 左顾右盼了一下, 在一张桌子边坐下-边上已经有两帅哥, 却相看两厌. 正盯着面前的面包和酒杯发呆,一美女在我身边坐下, 她就很自然的自我介绍顺便也认识了同桌的两个帅哥----我这叫一个佩服得五体投地. 晚上一共要品尝八种酒, 几杯之后我们这桌就突然变得很热闹,主要是此美女跟其中一个还在读法学院的帅哥讨论法律是什么,有没有universal morality之类,我夹在中间也显得蛮social. 不能不说偶被雷到了.... 偶当年也是如此的热血沸腾的....

想起爱默生说的 - 每个人都是个小宇宙 - 果然啊...

President Obama and his treasury secretary announced this year a cap compensation of $500,000 for Wall Street (if it still survives) executives who work at those financial institutions that took TARP (Troubled Assets Relief Program http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troubled_Assets_Relief_Program) money from US government.  I was shocked by the low number.  The ever haunting question is - how can we retain the most talented people where they are most needed?  How competitive a $500,000 salary is compared to the millions of dollars compensation scheme provided by financial institutions that do not need TARP money? 

一直觉得过年走亲访友很累,来美国之后不怎么回国过年,但在纽约也常常吃喝聚会,没有新意,今年Amie一提议我便心动了,年三十凌晨四点多到了波多黎哥（http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puerto_Rico）．

清晨的沙滩格外迷人，我们吃着早餐，喝着咖啡，吹着海风,看潮起潮落,海天一色,笑谈海不是蓝色而是碧绿色,浪花也不是一朵朵，而是一条条,像巨大的毛毛虫.　恍惚间一切俗事都慢慢变得模糊，两个人天南地北的聊天消磨时间．

The second day we went kayaking in the sea at night.  After surviving a half-an-hour dark and narrow channel and numerous screaming like (I could not see anything, I am hitting the tree! etc.), an isolated and peaceful lake like area opened up to us.  The sea shines in the dark like the stars in the sky when we stir the water - people call the phenomenon bio voluminous.  It's quite overwhelming experience to see the water drops shine on oneself and to find out the jumping lights are fish jumping out of the water!

We went snorkeling the third day.  We went on a boat that sailed almost an hour to a beautiful small island in the middle of nowhere.  At first, I was scared (never swim in the sea before) and almost crawled into the sea, but once I got out there, fears went away, all that left was the stunning view of colorful fish and coral.  During the breaks of snorkeling, we partied with the crews and other tourists, drinking, eating and dancing and forgot that both of us get seasick easily. 

I could not help but wonder - How was I so happy and peaceful in the sea or on the boat?  It turns out that happiness comes easily - stay in nature and be part of a dynamic and friendly group.

P.S. Sometimes I am reluctant to write so I do not have to face the fact that my writing style has changed dramatically from before - or was it because I have changed?

December has been a month of a leisure and passion, an escape from work to the exploration of soul. 

Views from my window (Manhattan)

Exhibitions in Metropolitan

We saw Bill Clinton today at the Metropolitan Museum while participating in a Gallery talk of Madame de Pompadour (below on the right is one of her sculptures), born on December 29, 1721, Madame de Pompadour is as well remembered for her passionate interest in the arts as for having been Louis XV's fourth official mistress.

Just came back from the closing drinks of the deal that I devoted more than half a year of my life to.  This has been one of the few social events that I sincerely enjoyed myself, with clients and colleagues. 

During the party, we were joking about how international the team was, even only calculating those who are at the party (less than twenty people), we have team members from New York, UK, Germany, the Netherlands, Italy, Denmark and Japan. (oh, almost forgot China - that's myself!!)  Some people were meeting each other for the first time after working together for more than half a year.  I am one of the few people who knows everyone (not necessarily met everyone but most) so it's a lot of gossip to talk about.  Our German colleague mentioned how different a person I am between face to face meeting and the impression from the emails I sent.  

Looking back to 2008, significant changes happened to me, the way I treat people around me and the way I view the world as a result of communicating with so many people intensively every single day.  It has been a real and long lasting challenge that makes every day something to look forward to.  It seems to be true that there are situations/incidents that will change a person forever and ever.

Maybe I am just a bit wasted or maybe this is just the right mood, but this very moment, I feel happy, peaceful, satisfied and accomplished, ready to take on new challenges.

Happiness is not elsewhere but in the interaction with people around you; while peace resides in the soul that is exploring spiritual entertainment.

半年逝去,如同往日,期盼考试结束,今日但愿deal close,回首,浅笑,甚多故事,随风而逝,嘻笑怒骂,不复往昔,最安心,不过忙忙碌碌,或,静静坐在同事办公室里,不说话,回复着邮件.

不置信,过往已矣,昨日辉煌,今日平淡,此时炫耀,明日成灰. 多年后,皆一笑了之,细想,这半年,人已改变甚多,如何处变不惊,痛苦中学习何时该进该退,明白如何做得更好.

最大收获,可能真正开始喜欢红酒,淡淡干涩,却回味无穷.